O’Toole’s Eulogy: “Traditionalists, Canadians, Rubes, Lend Me Your Ears”

BY: WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE & GREGORY J. ZINK

DELIVERED BY: STEPHEN HARPER (in place of MARC ANTONY) 

“Traditionalists, Canadians, Rubes, Lend Me Your Ears;

I come to bury O’toole, not to praise he/him/his.

The evil that faux-Conservatives do lives after them;

The good is oft interred within the backbenches;

So let it be with O’Toole. The noble Liberty Caucus members,

Hath told you Red Erin was ambitious:

It was so, and it was a grievous fault,

And grievously hath O’Toole embrac’d it.

Here, under leave of Batters and the rest–

For Batters is an honourable woman;

So are they all, all honourable Conservatives–

Come I to speak in O'toole's funeral.

He was my leader, faithful and just to leftist-statism:

But Dichter says he was ambitious;

And Dichter is an honourable man.

He hath brought many truckers home to Ottawa

Whose GoFundMe did the general coffers overflow:

Did this in O’Toole seem ambitious?

When that the Convoy have honked, Erin hath wept:

Traditionalist politics should be made of sterner stuff:

Yet Poilivre says he was ambitious;

And Poilievre is an honourable man.

You all did see that on the Shaw Centre,

I thrice presented him the leadership crown,

Which he did thrice refuse: was this ambition?

I speak not to disprove what Poilievre spoke,

But here I am to speak about what is politically expedient.

You all did pretend to love O’Toole once, not without cause:

What populism withholds you then, to mourn for he/him/his now?

O membership judgement! Thou art fled to opportunistic ideologies,

And men have lost their Canadian values. Bear with me folks;

My heart is in the coffin there with O’Toole,

And I must politick till it come back to me.”

RIP O’Toole Leadership (Aug 2020 - Feb 2022)